PAT ROBERTSON
monster manual - pat robertson

Douche-Nozzle
ARMOR CLASS: 9
MOVE: 10″
HIT POINTS: 30
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1 per week, typically against women and LGBT humans
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Faith Healing (alleged), Spreading Hate
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Misogyny, Homophobia, Victim Blaming, Predicting the Future
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Not dead yet
WEAKNESSES: Equality, Compassion, Biblical Literacy, Predicting the Future
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Standard
INTELLIGENCE:
SIZE: M (5″)
ALIGNMENT: Lawful Evil (Republican)
WORSHIPER’S ALIGN: Lawful Evil to Neutral Evil (Extremist Christians)
SYMBOL: Almighty Dollar Imposed Over Wooden Cross
PLANE: Prime Material Plane
TREASURE: Estimated between $200 million to $1 billion
CLERIC/DRUID: 4th level cleric 
FIGHTER: nil (liquor officer does not count)
MAGIC USER/ILLUSIONIST: 7th level illusionist
THIEF/ASSASSIN: 10th level thief (failed to pass NY bar exam)
MONK/BARD: 3rd level monk 
PSIONIC ABILITY: Dominion
S: 4  I: 11   W: 9  D: 4  C: 5  CH: 16

 

Pat Robertson is a multi-classed Christian extremist Cleric/Monk, Illusionist/Thief, and a founding member of a cult known as The 700 Club.  While Robertson claims to have a direct line of communication to his deity, he has a long history of failed prophecies and predictions.  Robertson also claims that this divine connection allows him to instruct his deity to cure his followers… but only those that give him money.  

Robertson’s regular attacks are typically against marriage equality, women’s rights, and the occasional demonic possession caused from watching pornography.  The side effect of these attacks is that his followers suffer a temporary loss of Intelligence (1d6) for each hour they expose themselves to his influence.  He frequently tries to cast Control Weather against his foes but to date has never successfully achieved this level of sorcery.

 

 


RECENT SIGHTINGS

8/11/2015 – Gay and Gay-Accepting Christians Going to Hell.

 

6/18/2015 – Destroy Greek Sculpture Because of Demonic Powers  /  http://goo.gl/zSj3PG

 

6/9/2015 – Dead Baby Could’ve Been Next Hitler  /  http://goo.gl/YF2vqk

 

5/15/2013 — Tells Wife of Cheating Husband to be Grateful for Marriage  /  http://goo.gl/AZVkc

 

 

1/15/2013 – “Awful Looking” Women To Blame for Marital Problems  /  http://goo.gl/NTJqy

A woman came to a preacher that I know, and she was awful looking. I mean, her hair was all torn up and she was overweight and looked terrible, clothes bad and everything. And she said, ‘Oh, Reverend, what can I do? My husband has started to drink.’ And the preacher looked at her and said, ‘Madam, if I was married to you I’d start to drink too.’ We need to cultivate romance, darling! … You always have to keep that spark of love alive. It just isn’t something to just lie there, ‘Well, I’m married to him so he’s got to take me slatternly looking.’ You’ve got to fix yourself up, look pretty.

 

9/11/2012 – Encourages Man to Become Muslim So He Can Beat His Wife  /  http://goo.gl/GQwjH

 

8/16/2012 – Don’t Adopt Children  /  http://goo.gl/glOLT

 

8/6/2012 – Atheists To Blame for Wisconsin Temple Shooting  /  http://goo.gl/zUdxS

“…people who are atheists, they hate God, they hate the expression of God, and they are angry at the world, angry with themselves, angry with society and they take it out on innocent people who are worshipping God…”

 

3/5/2012 – Tornadoes Could Have Been Stopped If People Had Prayed  /  http://goo.gl/wgSgn

 

9/13/2011 – Wife Has Alzheimers?  Divorce Her!  /  http://goo.gl/u5BhO

 

6/27/2011 – God Will Destroy America For Marriage Equality  /  http://goo.gl/XNHu9

 

6/11/2010 – Husband Flirts With Other Women?  “Make Yourself More Attractive and Don’t Hassle Him.”  /  http://goo.gl/pTYTlW

… first thing is you need to make yourself as attractive as possible and don’t hassle him about it. And why is he doing this? Well, he’s doing it because he wants affirmation that he is still a man, that he is attractive — and he gets an affirmation of himself. That means he’s got an inferiority complex that’s coming out. And he’s not gonna cheat on you. He’s just playing.

 

1/13/2010 – Haitian Earthquake Caused By Pact With the Devil  /  http://goo.gl/OOy4Rw

 

8/22/2005 – Calls for the Assassination of Venezuela’s President  /  http://goo.gl/P3uQh8

You know, I don’t know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we’re trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It’s a whole lot cheaper than starting a war.

 

“If the widespread practice of homosexuality will bring about the destruction of your nation, if it will bring about terrorist bombs, if it’ll bring about earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor, it isn’t necessarily something we ought to open our arms to.”
The 700 Club television program, August 6, 1998, on the occasion of the Orlando, Florida, Gay Pride Festival 1999

“There is no such thing as separation of church and state in the Constitution. It is a lie of the Left and we are not going to take it anymore.”
-Address to his American Center for Law and Justice, November 1993.

 

8/26/1992 – The Feminist Agenda  /  http://goo.gl/QEAhcu

“The Feminist Agenda is not about equal rights for women.  It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”

 

 

“I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that’s the way it is, period.”
The 700 Club television program, January 8, 1992

 

“Individual Christians are the only ones really—and Jewish people, those who trust God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob—are the only ones that are qualified to have the reign, because hopefully, they will be governed by God and submit to Him.”
The 700 Club television program, January 11, 1985, defending his stance that only Christians and Jews are fit to hold public office

“I never said that in my life … I never said only Christians and Jews. I never said that.”
Time magazine, after having been confronted regarding his statement on The 700 Club of January 11, 1985