Take a break from all of God’s loving genocide, enslavement, and misogyny.
Below is collection of Bible fables that are just flat out ridiculous or insane.
Satan Framed by Talking Serpent
Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. Genesis 3:1
Everyone knows the story of the serpent in that tricks Eve in the Garden of Eden. The notion of a talking snake is ridiculous to begin with but there is another problem that is always overlooked about the evil serpent.
So what the problem? The book of Genesis NEVER mentions Satan being in the Garden of Eden. Not even once! The serpent is just another talking animal. Satan is later mentioned much later in Ezekiel and Revelations but not in Genesis.
Christians have changed the cast of characters around into a more preferable myth. Take a look at any children’s bible or christian study book that details this fable.
Changing the Word of God is considered heresy in Christianity, but only when someone else does it.
600 Year Old Man Builds Boat for Millions of Animals
You know, when the God that “so loved the world” decided to murder everyone. Genesis 6
Men With Wounded Penises or No Testicles are not Allowed in Church
He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord. Deuteronomy 23:1
Wedding Dowry of 200 Philistine Foreskins
Nothing says congratulations on your wedding day than 200 foreskins of your enemies. 1 Samuel 18:25
Jonah Swallowed By a Whale
The wild story of Jonah being swallowed by a “great fish” for three days and three nights. Jonah 1:17
This is of course impossible and complete fantasy but that does not stop creationists from trying to
convince brainwash children to believe that it actually happened.
Some people claim Jonah wasn’t really inside a fish because they think that no one could survive. But Jesus said it actually happened (Matthew 12:40). In fact, Jesus compared Jonah’s terrible situation to His own death and return to life. We may not know what the name of the big fish was, but we know that the account is true! – AnswersInGenesis.org
What is the creationist’s evidence? It all boils down to: The story is true because it is in the book that says the story is true. This is pure insanity.
What about the great fish?
The page alludes to another “great fish” such as the enormous Basking Shark. This is physically impossible for a baleen whale and complete bullshit.
Whale Shark? Nope.
“As for the whale shark, Dr. E. W. Gudger, an Honorary Associate in Ichthyology at the American Museum of Natural History, noted that “while the mouth is cavernous, the throat itself is only four inches wide and has a sharp elbow or bend behind the opening. This gullet would not permit the passage of a man’s arm” – The Scientific Monthly, March 1940, p227 [wiki]
Sperm Whale? Nope. Toothed whales have four stomach chambers containing digestive enzymes and there is no oxygen, just methane gas. [Smithsonian Magazine]
Basic Biology: If a man was actually swallowed by a whale or some other great fish, that man would absolutely be dead.
You shall not wear a material mixed of wool and linen together. Deuteronomy 22:11
No Bastards Allowed
A bitched shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord. Deuteronomy 23:2
God Killed All The Unicorns
This is an example of how extensively the Bible has been misunderstood, modified, and revised throughout history based on wildly inaccurate translations. What? You can’t find Unicorns in your Bible?
The sword of the Lord is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the Lord hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea. And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. For it is the day of the Lord‘s vengeance, and the year of recompences for the controversy of Zion. Isaiah 34:2-8 KJV
Nobody could actually believe such ridiculous nonsense right?
“…the biblical unicorn was a real animal, not an imaginary creature. To think of the biblical unicorn as a fantasy animal is to demean God’s Word, which is true in every detail.”
– Ken Ham’s creationist ministry, Answers in Genesis
No Red Lobster For You!
Whatever in the water does not have fins and scales is abhorrent to you. Leviticus 11:12
Your Family Is Your Enemy
[Jesus] For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matthew 10:35-37
Stop hitting me! What did I ever do to you!?! Numbers 22:21-35
Allegory or not, it’s in there.
Deformed People Cannot Approach God
For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken. No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the Lord made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God. Leviticus 21:18-21
She lusted after their lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. Ezekiel 23:20
Love Thy Neighbor
Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke [reason with] thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him. Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord. Leviticus 19:17-18
While this is not really a ridiculous verse in itself, what is ridiculous is that many fundamentalist Christians completely ignore ‘Love thy Neighbor’.